Brothers and Sisters

   No two snowflakes are exactly the same. While it is true that they can be classified according to their similarities, each one remains unique.

   Children are a lot like snowflakes. Even though brothers and sisters have similarities in both genetic makeup and environment, they, like snowflakes, are still unique.

Each child is unique

   This can be very frustrating for parents, who often approach the coming of a second child with the confidence that comes from having discovered what works and what doesn’t. Soon they realize they must begin again. The old techniques may not be effective. For the second and third and fourth child are all uniquely different.

   But what a blessing from God this uniqueness is! When parents face the challenge of meshing the individual personalities, needs and talents that are present in their home, they have prepared their children well. Each family is a microcosm of the world. Children who have learned to accept, respect and support their brothers and sisters have learned valuable and necessary skills to take with them through life.

   Each child is a special gift of God; each is acceptable to God through Christ Jesus. We ought always view one another in the light of these truths.

Competition and encouragement

   Life is filled with competition. People compete in athletics, in beauty, in intelligence. Children form attitudes concerning the rules of the game in the home. Here they can reap the benefits of competition, or be devastated by it.

   Competition involves both the strong will and the fragile ego. If the strong will wins out, competition becomes beating a brother or sister in a particular area. If the fragile ego exerts the most pressure, a child may refuse to develop his talents in a particular area, believing no matter how well he does, his brother or sister will do better.

   Parents can minimize the negative effects of competition within the family by having open and honest family discussions regarding gifts and talents. God has given everyone special gifts. He has also given us the command to develop and use them for his glory. Children need help in discovering their own talents, and in recognizing those that God has given to others in their family.

   Assessing gifts should not be done to provide excuses, but rather as an aid to help children develop their strengths while recognizing their weaknesses. Then they will become more accepting of the strengths and weaknesses in others. They can then provide necessary encouragement to one another.

   When the rest of the family understands how frightening it is for Susan to give and oral report, they can encourage her to practice in front of them first. They can assure her when the frightening day arrives that they will all be praying for her. A visual reminder, like a note on the refrigerator which reads "Pray for Susie - today’s the big day" will reinforce the idea that she has their support.

   This approach allows room for failure. It is very comforting to know that when we fall flat on our face we are still loved and accepted by our Savior... and by each other. In an atmosphere of sharing feelings and personal experiences where others have felt the same, healthy Christian relationships will thrive. Admitting quilt, offering forgiveness and comfort are part of the daily routine in a family striving to reflect God’s unqualified love.

Recognizing individual needs

   As concern for each other grows, children will begin to realize that parents do love them equally, even if they can’t treat them exactly the same. They will be more able to accept the fact that Mom might only need to say, "Go do your math" to David and have to sit down right next to Susan and help her work through those story problems step by step.

   The goal of all Christian parents is to train up their children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4). Yet the methods used will have to be different because of the unique needs and abilities of each child.

   This does not imply that parents will not make mistakes. But children need honest parents, not perfect parents. Both words and actions are important. Playing favorites is a temptation and its destructiveness is well illustrated in the story of Esau and Jacob (Genesis 25:19-34;27;28). If parents take the time to explain their actions, children can understand these seemingly inconsistent approaches.

   When Susan comes home and throws her coat on the floor, Mom may instantly remind her to hang it up. But if David, who usually remembers to do this, comes in slamming down his books and coat, she may choose to ignore it for a time, and talk to David instead. In Susan’s case forgetting is the problem, but for David it is only the symptom. With such loving actions parents deal with each child’s uniqueness.

   Only God can create faith. But Christian families can create an atmosphere where faith and love can thrive.

   Something to think about

1. Dr. James Dobson has made a useful distinction between empty flattery, which is unearned, and genuine praise, which recognizes a positive accomplishment. Are you teaching the difference?
    
2. "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn," God directs in Romans 12:15. How can you aid your children in sharing each other’s triumphs and humiliations?
    
3. How can you better make all your children feel useful in your family be employing the talents God has given them to help each other?
    
4. What can you do to help your children "tune in" to the problems which underlie the behavior of their sisters and brothers?
    
5. How did Andrew show a real love toward his brother Simon Peter? (John 1:40,41) How did the brothers James and John show a disregard for outsiders? (Mark 10:35-37)
    
6. In what ways is Christ’s love the foundation for mutual acceptance within the home?

Prayer

   Dear Father, thank you for the blessings of family. Be with us as we tech our children to love each other as you have loved us. Help us all to identify our special gifts, but as we develop them keep us mindful of the needs of the rest of the family. Help us grow in sympathy and concern for each other, appreciating that we are as unique as snowflakes and often just as fragile. Amen.

The Family of God series is copyright © 1985 Northwestern Publishing House. and is published under the auspices of PACE (Partners Advancing Christian Education), Wisconsin Lutheran High School Conference, Milwaukee, WI. Reprinted by permission.

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“We’re twins. And although we have so much in common, we are still so very different. We thank God for the special gifts he gave to
each of us.”
 

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